My main objective lately (and by lately I mean for a few years now) is healing my relationship with music and my instrument. So far, one of my favorite practices I’ve developed for working on this objective is listening deeply to my sound with suspended control and judgment. By practicing this, I make space for my inner pre-trained self and help her heal. I want to share this practice in case other people might also find it healing.
As professional and/or trained musicians, we are both craftsmen and athletes. As craftsmen, we hone our ears, tastes, and fine skills. We learn discernment between good, bad, getting there, better, excellent, etc. in our own playing and in others’.
Like athletes, we strive for total control of our bodies and minds, from the tiniest details of embouchure or bow hold, to our breath, to our mental strength in performing highly complex tasks in real time under extreme pressure. The big overlap here is control. All this is important and necessary to become a highly skilled musician.
However, I’ve come to learn that it is equally important to get to know and love the untrained versions of ourselves too. We can do this simply by giving that version the space to exist. Underneath all our training is a naturally pre-existing body and spirit. Everyone has an energy, a chemical makeup, whatever it is that makes us individuals, all of us reacting differently to living in the world. Underneath the control and refinement, we each have a chemistry that makes us uniquely ourselves and also binds us together as a greater living spirit.
Playing an instrument is a way to observe, explore, and play with this chemistry, but we can’t do that if we’re always suppressing our natural, unrefined selves beneath the trained versions of us. So we need to let go, even if only momentarily, of the judgment and control of our training, and allow our natural, unrefined selves to express what’s inside us.
This can sound intimidating to a musician still steeped in their training. That’s okay. Our training often encourages - even expects - us to forget and forgo our natural bodies and spirits in favor of the trained body and mind. The problem is that if we do this unquestioningly (as I did), it can eventually feel like we’ve become empty. We can lose touch with the artist in us. Not only might we lose touch with the artist - we can deeply wound the artist by doing this. So, we must practice undoing some of our training in favor of our being. Rebalance the scale.
The first step is to take a breath in and out. Notice that you probably didn’t judge the breath that came out. Next, take a breath in, and sound your instrument as you breathe out (for me, this means blow through my saxophone). Whatever sound comes out, let it, and try not to judge it. Keep doing this repeatedly. That sound is a resonance specifically determined by your unique body. It’s totally original and unrepeatable by anyone else. It’s an expression of your natural, pre-existing self. Listen deeply. What sounds can you hear inside and around the sound you are producing? Once you are comfortable, you might even try loving the sound that comes out. How does that feel?
When we pay attention to the sound we produce on our instrument when we are in a natural, uncontrolled state, we put our trained selves aside and listen with non-judgment, acceptance, and curiosity. We can listen to our bodies and inner selves on a very deep level this way. Our inner selves, our pre-trained bodies and minds, are worth paying attention to. Doing this is what gives meaning to playing an instrument, and it can help heal our inner artist if we feel that they are wounded.
As we get more comfortable doing this practice, we can start expanding our sound to include fragments of phrases, and eventually full phrases, of music. This might take more time than you expect though. Trusting and accepting your untrained self - the self that was simply born one day and is continuously reacting in the world - doesn’t always come easily after so much training in control. But if you practice listening, you will hear more and more.